- September 7th, 2011
So, my Jordan, the love of my life, have reached an impasse.
Things got real when there was a chance that I would move in with him soon. His friend who was going to move in to fill in the space Jordan's sister is leaving by moving to California got laid off from his job in Ithaca and hired by a company in California. I have a friend who is looking for a one bedroom apt in the neighborhood I live in. So the idea of me subletting to her and moving in with Jordan seemed like an option.
Right now, the problem is that I have 2 cats, who I love, who I bottled fed since they were 5 days old, who I would have to give up. Jordan's son is allergic to them (not throat closes up allergic, but more severe than mild sniffles allergic) and due to Sebastian's other health issues as a child, Jordan doesn't want to put him on more meds now and put him through "one more thing." This brought up something that has been nagging at me for a while: that Jordan said on our first date that he never wants to get married, and he knows that I do. His dad has been married 3 times, and his mom once, and he uses this as proof that marriage is unnecessary. I told him that right now then, a life with him means that I'll have to see other people having happy marriages without one of my own, that I'll have to see other people having pets without having any of my own, and I'll have to play with other people's kids, without having any of my own. (He had such a miserable time with Sebastian and Sebastian's mom he used that as reason to get a vasectomy before he was even 30 years old.)
So basically, I will have 3 major voids in my life that no one person can fill.
He accuses me of having "negative tunnel vision..." that I use my negative experiences as proof that all of life will be that way. But he is NOT ONE TO TALK ABOUT THIS. He uses the one band-mate who is not happy in his marriage, while completely ignoring the 3 who are. He uses his parents mistakes, while not looking at the other members of his family who ARE happily married.
No little girl dreams of the day she'll grow up, fall in love, give up major goals for the man she loves, raise another woman's child with the man she loves, to have her father walk her down the driveway to the apartment door.
The dynamics of our relationship are this. Jordan makes his mind up and even if it conflicts with my side of the street, I have to go along with it. "Yes you want to get married some day, but I don't, so that's how it is. Yes you must love my child, but you may not have any of your own because that is what I decided. Yes I can see how having no boundaries with Sebastians mom is frustrating, but it's how it's been for 7 years so you have to get used to it."
My one glimmer of hope is when we had a couple's collateral session just on the topic of the boundary-less relationship with Julia, the counsellor was able to point out to him his inconsistencies and his unfairness, and he actually responded to it, and worked to change.
How we left it last night, is I don't have to give up my cats....yet. I'm not moving in....yet. I don't even know if I want kids....yet. But I can't go on in this relationship if the only way he loves me is how I fit into his life, with no attempt to fit into mine as well. I told him is I need a willingness to change his ideas if they don't suit mine, as I'm changing mine to fit in with him. I even decided, if it came down to it, that I would move my 2 cats to CT, as HARD AND PAINFUL as that would be, but would start saving up for a $7,000 hypoallergenic cat which HE WOULD HELP ME PAY FOR. (In a perfect world, Julia would help pay for it too, since she can afford 3 boats, a mini cooper, $10,000 montessori school tuition for Sebastian, etc, and it's her and him that are putting me in this situation in the first place. But life aint perfect nor is it fair.)
But....for me to do all this? I think I need a ring on my finger. NOT because it's shiny and pretty, but because it is a symbol of his commitment to me. So I'm not going to spend my life wondering if I'm going to end up 50, my cats will be dead, I'll have no chance to have any children, only to hear the classic Ithaca/neo-hippee proclamation of "since life is me getting what I want when I want it, I found someone else."
He says he wants a family, he doesn't want a long string of girlfriends, he wants to fall in love and settle down, yet not be willing to make that total commitment to someone only leads me to believe he'll be with someone with the same attitude, and end up not getting that at all. He'll just end up with a string of people till he's old and alone like his mother.
I'm still fighting, but it's wearing me out.